New place, new life.
“Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism
of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of
your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the
feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to
return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing
yourself, and then you're reborn. I guess I've lived about ten or
fifteen thousand lives now.”
Charles Bukowski said that. Let's see. I haven't written in a while. I have completely changed my life in the past few months. A mother, a daughter, a sister, a real estate agent. I had all these labels pinned to me that I didn't want. I felt apathy. I felt disconnection. I didn't want any of it. I don't really know how the course of your life changes completely...if it's just destiny or if it's something that, deep down inside you know that you have control over, just by putting out into the Universe what you want. Does it really come back to you? I think so. Perhaps I am shallow and selfish. After being a single mother for eight years I left my children. Just left them and moved to another country. Who does that? Maybe someone who didn't have the fight left anymore.
I have been in Portugal for almost two months. My plan was to write stories of my adventures here in Lisbon. Truth is I have been lazy and drinking away most evenings since I arrived, perhaps living Bukowski's ten or fifteen thousand lives now. I came out for a job. I have been working, I found a place to live. I had a sort of rebirth. For almost twenty years I have not lived a life where it's only me to worry about. There's always been the kid or the husband, or the family. It was like I arrived and was like a kid in a candy store. Wow, just me? Trouble with that was I acted like I was on holiday. It didn't sink in at first. I am here to live. To change the course of my life. I have an opportunity that most people don't get. To completely change direction and out of the trap that you can set for yourself, that suffocates you, until you can't breathe and you're clinging on for dear life. You know what I am talking about. I have seen it, over and over.
It was like a holiday. I found a French wine bar down the street and some days, when I was too afraid to face the thick solitude of my flat, I would just go to Le Marais. It's sort of become my second home. Lisbon is full of lovely gay men. I have made many friends in that community now. I have made many friends period. I am settling in. Perhaps I should slow down and smell the roses. I suppose I had to go through that phase of feeling the freedom that hasn't been there, and let that run it's course and get it out of my system. I will share with you some of the fabulous spots I have found during these first few weeks. Of course, most places involve drinking. Let's see where this goes.
Charles Bukowski said that. Let's see. I haven't written in a while. I have completely changed my life in the past few months. A mother, a daughter, a sister, a real estate agent. I had all these labels pinned to me that I didn't want. I felt apathy. I felt disconnection. I didn't want any of it. I don't really know how the course of your life changes completely...if it's just destiny or if it's something that, deep down inside you know that you have control over, just by putting out into the Universe what you want. Does it really come back to you? I think so. Perhaps I am shallow and selfish. After being a single mother for eight years I left my children. Just left them and moved to another country. Who does that? Maybe someone who didn't have the fight left anymore.
I have been in Portugal for almost two months. My plan was to write stories of my adventures here in Lisbon. Truth is I have been lazy and drinking away most evenings since I arrived, perhaps living Bukowski's ten or fifteen thousand lives now. I came out for a job. I have been working, I found a place to live. I had a sort of rebirth. For almost twenty years I have not lived a life where it's only me to worry about. There's always been the kid or the husband, or the family. It was like I arrived and was like a kid in a candy store. Wow, just me? Trouble with that was I acted like I was on holiday. It didn't sink in at first. I am here to live. To change the course of my life. I have an opportunity that most people don't get. To completely change direction and out of the trap that you can set for yourself, that suffocates you, until you can't breathe and you're clinging on for dear life. You know what I am talking about. I have seen it, over and over.
It was like a holiday. I found a French wine bar down the street and some days, when I was too afraid to face the thick solitude of my flat, I would just go to Le Marais. It's sort of become my second home. Lisbon is full of lovely gay men. I have made many friends in that community now. I have made many friends period. I am settling in. Perhaps I should slow down and smell the roses. I suppose I had to go through that phase of feeling the freedom that hasn't been there, and let that run it's course and get it out of my system. I will share with you some of the fabulous spots I have found during these first few weeks. Of course, most places involve drinking. Let's see where this goes.
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